Retail Madness

     In the midst of all the Christmas hustle and bustle, I had need to buy some undergarments, strike that, let's call it what it is: Underwear. As in briefs, whitey tighteys.  (I don't do the boxer thing - not enough support.) My wife actually said, “Are you going to buy something now with Christmas so close?  Put them on your list.”  I declined. 

     Now people in general shy away from talking about underwear at any time, except in the concept of mother to son and/or wife to husband saying things like, "You really need to get new underwear, aren't you afraid you'll get in an accident and the nurses at the hospital will see them?" Notice I didn't say mother to daughter, and husband to wife. Males tend to not worry about their underwear and females stress over them. 

     Underwear was invented for one purpose, and one purpose only; to protect your outerwear from the ravages of natural body functions over which, apparently, boys and men have absolutely no control. Nor, do they seem to be worried about how they look figuring no one is going to see them, ever, unless, of course, you do get into that accident your mother warned you about, but as you are laying on the sidewalk bleeding and they are ripping your clothes off to see where you are bleeding from, the last thing on your mind is whether or not your underwear is clean. Officially, then, males don't care.  However, after constant nagging from mothers and wives, sons and husbands generally change them daily, but wear them until they are threadbare, with holes in them, and sometimes stained beyond what would be considered polite. 

     I had cause recently to go buy new underwear, because some of mine had reached the, "If you put those on and wear them out of this house, I swear by the time you return home you will not have any underwear left in your drawer, and you will be forced to buy new ones."  So, she's willing to send me to the store, sans underwear, which in my view would be far worse, as you are laying on the sidewalk bleeding from the afore mentioned accident, and when they rip of your trousers, the crowd would gasp, and the nurses would be forced to turn their heads. 

     However, I went (on my own, honest) and went to one of the nation's largest discount department stores and found them for the ridiculously unbelievable price of $36 for three pairs - 40% OFF!  I mean, come on.  $12 apiece?  On Sale? And these weren't those fancy dancy, low slung Chippendale briefs in shocking blue, these were run of the mill whitey tighteys.  After shopping at a few other, higher priced department stores, which were about the same, I ended up in a Big Box store where I found 7 pairs for $12.  Let's see now, $12 for one, or 7 of 'em for the price of one. I asked the lady helping me (there were no men working there - go figure) in the high priced store why the briefs there were priced so high.  She gave me this really big speech about thread count, dependable elasticity and something about "pocket" comfort. Her words, not mine.  I opted for the ones that were less than $2 each.  Keep the thread count and the elasticity.  These have plenty of pocket comfort and they will do the job, just fine, thank you. And, I can throw them away with impunity and buy new ones far more often, so they will always be clean.  If I do get in that accident we've been discussing I'll be fine with the nurses ripping off my pants.  Really.  I mean, who besides Mom's and wives will be looking anyway, and they're used to seeing men's underwear look like that.